Reviews That Don’t Exist: Guest Edition

Recently I discovered an online video game name generator (also works in the context of band names):

Name Generator

The names generated are hilarious, but what most people don’t realize is that if you use the special code the games are actually unlockable and playable.

After the recent institutionalization of my guest writerMatt Anglen I went to freelance writer Maxwell P. Enright to get reviews of some of the games that are unlocked on the site. All following reviews are by Maxwell P. Enright. My own reviews of some of the other games will come soon.

NOTE TO PARENTS: Some of these games are not PG and not for children; read on at your own risk.


Intellectual Prison in Africa

I’m pretty sure this isn’t a video game. The packaging suggests so, and the disc only works on an X-Box, but there isn’t actually any gameplay. Regardless of what mode you choose to play on, all that happens is a four hour documentary on Nelson Mandela. The controller can’t even fast forward or pause. It’s just four hours detailing the life and political struggle of Nelson Mandela. Gamers may be disappointed by this, but I thought it was pretty great. I learned a lot of things about Apartheid that I never knew before. It was a really well made documentary, and the soundtrack is great. I highly recommend it.

Rating:

Gameplay: 0/10
Awesome Factor: 10/10
Education: 10/10
Social Relevance: 10/10

Real Thunder Punch Out

This game is extremely difficult. The object is to literally punch out real thunder. You must locate and punch hard enough to incapacitate thunder before lightning strikes. This is difficult for the following reasons: 1) thunder is a sound, and therefore difficult to locate as you cannot see it. 2) thunder is a sound and being such has been scientifically proven to be unpunchable. 3) lightning strikes very quickly after thunder.

I played for eight hours and was not able to proceed past the training mode. Admittedly I am not the most advanced gamer, but I believe that this game has a level of difficulty that borders on impossible. Helpful hint: run around in circles punching the air at random. It’s your best hope of locating and punching thunder. I think I hit thunder a couple times, but it’s difficult to tell because, as I’ve stated, thunder is a sound.

While on the surface this game seems to be an exercise in frustration, I highly recommend it to devoted gamers. By creating a feat that is literally impossible, the developers have solved gaming’s greatest problem. No longer will the gamer be come to the end of a game and be filled with a sense of loss. No longer will the gamer be forced to spend hundreds of dollars on new and ever changing games and systems. With Real Thunder Punch Out, a gamer can play eternally and never win.

Other great titles from this developer featuring things you wish you could punch, but are physically impossible to punch:

Carbon Dioxide Punch Out
Slapping Cancer
Dow Jones Karate
Dark Matter Dojo

Rating:

Gameplay: 10/10
Infinite Play: 10/10
Coherency: 0/10

The Hunt for the Fun Noodle Machine

Don’t buy this game. Don’t play this game. Don’t even look at the cover. The Hunt for the Fun Noodle Machine is a grossly misleading title.

I expected a whimsical romp through a bright and cheery fantasy land. What I got instead was a filthy, degenerate. The game is an interactive porn. You control an overweight clown and wander through a series of townships having sex with middle aged divorcees for money.

The advances in gaming technology have provided these developers with crystal clear graphics that will make you weep. Make no mistake, even if the prospect of a porn video game appeals to you, you do not want this. The people are ugly, the sex is quick, dirty, and neither party seems interested. I’ve seen more romance between warthogs on National Geographic. The trailer park level is especially harrowing.

Unless you have a desire to kill your sex drive avoid this game.

Rating:

Gameplay: Depressing/10
Graphics: 10/10
Replay: 0/10
Will to Live: -1/10

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