Reviews of Games That Don’t Exist

Recently I discovered an online video game name generator (also works in the context of band names):

Name Generator

The names generated are hilarious, but what most people don’t realize is that if you use the special code the games are actually unlockable and playable.

I already posted some reviews written by a guest writer but today I am posting my own reviews. I reviewed a lot of games which is why their descriptions are short. Enjoy!

Robot Barbarian: 2nd Impact
Everyone remembers Street Fighter 2 but almost no one remembers playing the original. The same can be said of Robot Barbarian: 2nd Impact. I didn’t even know a Robot Barbarian had impacted once but I’m sure glad he decided to do it again. There is a brilliant juxtaposition between the high technology and the pure wildness of the protagonist who, while searching for a way to become organic, has crash landed on a planet colonized by a race of tea toddling fencing champ capitalists. The controls are simple and intuitive which leaves nothing in between you and the glorious heart wrenching (literally) bloodfest that is splattered onto the screen with every action you make. The Robot Barbarian’s only native tongue is death.

Bizarre Chess Anarchy:
With this game you can play chess matches against online or computer opponents. However, the chess pieces have adopted an anarchic structure and refuse to obey the classical rules of chess. The ultimate goal of capturing the king remains the same but every other rule changes, even the rules of check and mate. The rules for moving pieces change each game and sometimes multiple times during a game. Pieces will occasionally refuse to be ordered around, move somewhere they weren’t ordered to, refuse to move within the grid, switch sides, spontaneously capture other pieces (sometimes your own), and move of their own accord even moving off of the board and onto your computer’s desktop where they form folders that slowly get filled with text files of Bhagavad Ghita fan fiction. I don’t really understand this game but after the first ten minutes of hilarity it just gets boring with the unplayability.

Naughty Basketball Nightmare:
You are the coach of an all girls College basketball team who, under the pretense of not knowing the rules of basketball, go onto the court and do sensual dancing, kiss each other, and bounce on trampolines. Your goal is to yell, cajole, or inspire your players into actually trying to shoot hoops but the controls are difficult and your character often lowers her head into her hands and says, “This is a nightmare”, all of which makes actual playing very difficult. I still don’t know how to win the first home game.

African Bowling: The Lost Levels:
Perhaps after playing African Bowling you were like, “That was great, but it felt rushed, as if certain things were cut.” Turns out that was the case after all and this expansion pack reinserts parts of the game the developers didn’t originally have time for. It’s the same gameplay you loved in African Bowling with new locations like Swaziland, new lanes, new balls, and new bowlers to play as. Watch out for those hippos!

German Car Invaders:
In this game you control the advertising agency Doyle Dane Bernbach during their 1950s American ad campaign for Volkswagen. Throughout the game you are required to minimize and simplify ads, keep your creative team on track, review research on ad effectiveness, and have periodic meetings with Volkswagen representatives as well as lunches with other leaders in advertising. The last level, where you lead the 1959 “Think Small” campaign, is relatively easy and is pretty much a fun reward for getting through the game.

No One Can Stop The STD In My Pocket:
The title explains the overarching plot and the gameplay goals of this game. It also is a valid description of the difficulty curve.

Frankenstein’s Platypus From Mars:
In this fan fiction nod to Mary Shelley you take the role of Dr. Frankenstein after his university education as you try to write a surrealist novel titled Platypus From Mars. Your writing process involves taking preexisting written works and copy-pasting sections of them to form your own work. While this sort of thing may have earned William S. Burroughs notoriety among 20th century hippies and punks, Frankenstein’s 19th century German contemporaries are not as open minded. Although you have a staggering amount of publications to pull from (all of which are accurate copies of real writing from the time) nothing you compose ever pleases the critics in the game world and Frankenstein gives up and begins constructing a monster from the body parts of various corpses, which ends the game. I’m not sure what the point is although you are given the option to share your literary monster via facebook and tumblr.

Hitler’s Landmine Tycoon:
In this blockbuster game from Will Wright you take control of a German munitions factory during WW2. You choose what types of mines to produce (S-mines are the standard) and your employee wages (Jews work for free). The game routinely breaks from historical tradition such as when it let’s you choose where to place the mines and rewards you for each soldier that your mines kill. Of course you’ve got a lot of competition out there including that suspicious Schindler character (Monty Burns is unlockable content). If you like games that play like spreadsheets and you have no moral compass then this is the game for you.

Tasteless Crystal Collection:
This is an adventure exploration game similar in the vein of Myst or Zork except the only thing to explore is a museum’s collection of necklaces which spell out “slutty”, crystal wine glasses held up by penis shaped stems, and similar crystal items. It’s almost worth it for the twist ending.


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