And yet more guns that don’t exist


[~1100 words]


A long time ago I came up with a bunch of ideas for silly and absurd FPS guns. I made a couple blog posts listing out these ideas way back when. Because of the ridiculousness of the guns, my friend suggested that the hypothetical game they would appear in could be called Shifting Zones of Craziness.

And now I’ve come up with a third list of guns (that don’t exist) for Shifting Zones of Craziness (a game that doesn’t exist). (The Land Shark Gun, which is pictured at the top, does exist and is in the game Armed and Dangerous.)

Trebuchet: Player is carrying a trebuchet on his shoulder. It launches rocks at the enemies.

Vampirism Gun: Turns opponent into vampire. If they don’t drink the blood of other players then they die. Secondary fire is a UV sunlamp.

Magma Vomit Gun: When you shoot another player they become infected with Lava Illness. They randomly vomit magma out of their mouth in a short arc which creates pools of magma on the ground. The magma can hurt all players including the one vomiting, so if he’s running forward when he vomits then he’ll take damage.

Glitch Gun: A player shot with this gun glitches through the geometry, falls through the level, and dies.

Grandma With Soup Gun: Fires a grandmother holding a bowl of steaming soup. When a player is hit by the grandma, she follows him around demanding that he eat some soup because he’s nothing but skin and bones. The player must stop and eat the soup. If he doesn’t, the grandmother calls him ungrateful which immediately kills him.

Cthulhu Gun: Fires a slumbering Cthulhu. If anyone bumps into him or shoots him then Cthulhu awakens and all players die immediately.

Nightmare Realm Gun: When you shoot an opponent with this gun, you both are transported to a shadowy, parallel dimension of the level you’re playing on. Your opponent is unarmed, and you are armed with a murderer’s knife because you are a horror movie serial killer. If you kill your opponent you return to the regular level with double health. If your opponent finds a magical artifact in the shadow dimension then he escapes and you die.

Necromancer Cult Gun: Fires up to five necromancer cultists that stand in a given place. Secondary fire tags another player which causes the necromancers to begin a dark ritual. If the tagged player doesn’t kill the cultists before they complete their ritual then he is turned into a demon for the rest of the match.

Alcohol Gun: A hose that fires some sort of alcoholic beverage. Players hit with this will suffer visual distortion on their screen and the responsiveness of their controls will become more erratic. If sprayed with this gun for too long they will die of alcohol poisoning. Secondary fire let’s you drink the alcohol yourself.

Pirate Ship: Player carries a pirate ship sideways in front of him. Primary fire causes small pirates to swing on ropes and try to “board” opponents. Secondary fire throws the entire pirate ship at opponents.

Anti-gravity Gun: Players shot with this will fly up into the air and will either take damage against the ceiling, or the effect will wear off and they’ll take damage when they fall back to the ground.

Rocket Ship Entrepreneur Gun: Fires a Jules Verne style rocket ship at opponents. If the rocket ship lands then little astronauts emerge and set up mining equipment on the player which slowly strip mines the player’s health.

Ghost Gun: After a player is shot with this gun every person he kills leaves behind a ghost that only he can see. Their accusations send chills through his soul. Secondary fire causes the ghosts to try to drag the player down to hell; whether they’re successful depends on the weight of his sins

Modern Warfare Gun: After shooting someone with this gun they will see the words “Return to Battlefield!” appear on the screen if they’re too far away from you. If the countdown timer reaches zero they die.

Doom Gun: Fires a retail copy of 1993’s Doom. The enemy player is overcome with nostalgia and explodes. Secondary fire: shoots a retail copy of 2012’s Doom 3. The enemy player is overcome with anger and explodes. Secondary and primary fire together: shoots a retail copy of 2016’s DOOM. The enemy player is overcome with conflicted emotions and also explodes.

Planetoid Gun: Fires a sphere that hovers in the air and exerts a strong gravitational force on anything near it. Players near the planetoid will be pulled onto it and will stuck walking on its surface until it disappears. Secondary fire could increase the size of the planetoid so that it crushes the people on it against walls and floors and ceilings.

Quest Giver Gun: Fires an RPG style quest giver. If players are hit by the quest giver then they aren’t allowed to gain points in the regular game until they complete some quest (crouch walk backwards for 15 seconds, jump into a pool of lava, get drunk, etc.). Once they complete the quest they return to the quest giver and can pick him up and use him as a grenade.

John Keats Gun: Players shot with this gun acquire tuberculosis. The more hits the worse the tuberculosis gets. As the tuberculosis gets worse the affected player is paralyzed by more and more frequent coughing fits. During this time he is also distracted by visions of nightingales, grecian urns, and Fanny Brawne.

Mirror Gun: Fires a mirror which hovers in front of the player. They must look at themselves and face their atrocities. Players can break the mirror, but they cannot break free from the revelation of what they really are.

True Love Gun: When you shoot a player with this gun his true love appears. Wherever he goes in the level, his camera always turns to face his true love. If he strays too far out of line of sight with his true love (or if he shoots his true love) then he dies of heartbreak.

Life Coach Gun: When a player is shot with this gun he is booted from the match, the game quits and deletes itself, and then it is replaced by an app which immediately opens up and creates a healthy diet plan, an exercise regime, and schedules times for meditation and self-affirmation. The player’s real world phone rings and the strong, soothing voice on the other end says, “Go out and do something with yourself. Live life. You can accomplish great things.”

You can accomplish great things.








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