Category: Humor

The Sublime Immersion Created By The Ability To Wield Severed Heads As Weapons In Rune

[~1500 words; ~50 pictures]
[There are links to two easter egg posts at the bottom of the page]

Rune is a game about being a viking!

All gameplay revolves around roleplaying a viking! All story revolves around what it means to be a viking! To play Rune is to be Rune, and to be Rune is know the Viking inside yourself!

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And yet more guns that don’t exist

shark_gun

[~1100 words]

#WallOfText

A long time ago I came up with a bunch of ideas for silly and absurd FPS guns. I made a couple blog posts listing out these ideas way back when. Because of the ridiculousness of the guns, my friend suggested that the hypothetical game they would appear in could be called Shifting Zones of Craziness.

And now I’ve come up with a third list of guns (that don’t exist) for Shifting Zones of Craziness (a game that doesn’t exist). (The Land Shark Gun, which is pictured at the top, does exist and is in the game Armed and Dangerous.)

Trebuchet: Player is carrying a trebuchet on his shoulder. It launches rocks at the enemies.

Vampirism Gun: Turns opponent into vampire. If they don’t drink the blood of other players then they die. Secondary fire is a UV sunlamp.

Magma Vomit Gun: When you shoot another player they become infected with Lava Illness. They randomly vomit magma out of their mouth in a short arc which creates pools of magma on the ground. The magma can hurt all players including the one vomiting, so if he’s running forward when he vomits then he’ll take damage.

Glitch Gun: A player shot with this gun glitches through the geometry, falls through the level, and dies.

Grandma With Soup Gun: Fires a grandmother holding a bowl of steaming soup. When a player is hit by the grandma, she follows him around demanding that he eat some soup because he’s nothing but skin and bones. The player must stop and eat the soup. If he doesn’t, the grandmother calls him ungrateful which immediately kills him.

Cthulhu Gun: Fires a slumbering Cthulhu. If anyone bumps into him or shoots him then Cthulhu awakens and all players die immediately.
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(NSFW) TittyTech™ in Diablo: a brief slice of gaming history

diablosuccubi
succubus model

Replaying the original Diablo recently reminding me of a little (or should I say, big) aspect that was never duplicated with as much success in the sequels.

I’m talking of course about the boobs.

Players who managed to reach the deepest levels of Diablo were given a break from the sight of skeletons and goatmen, and were rewarded with the welcoming view of the Succubi and their massive, swinging breasts.

In order to achieve this level of breast fidelity Blizzard North had to use the third party proprietary software known as TittyTech™.
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“Your people require more maggot lollipops.” An unknown inspiration for Destiny.

What most people don’t realize, because Bungie has been very tight lipped about this, is that the Hive take a great deal of inspiration from a little known 1999 real time strategy/city building game called “Alien Nations”, by German Developer JoWooD Productions.

In Alien Nations you could select to play one of three alien species: the blue Pimmons, the large breasted and scantily clad Amazons (WTF???), and the insectoid Sajkhi.

alien nations race screen

It is the last of these that was the direct inspiration for Destiny’s Hive. Not only are the Sajkhi insects, like the Hive, but the Sajkhi also farm maggots which are their primary food source. It was the maggot farming that was the direct inspiration for the Hive’s worm narrative in Destiny:

alien nations sajkhi maggot

The Sajkhi also had a “Hall of Orgies” (WTF???) as their recreation building, so expect that to definitely be a Raid in the next Destiny expansion.

Dear Readers! Post in the comments if you’d like to join me in starting a kickstarter campaign for the world’s first Hall of Orgies! Wouldn’t all our lives be a little better if there was a Hall of Orgies in every city? Well, this kickstarter campaign is how we make that dream a reality. Post in the comments!

Analysis of Destiny part 2: weapons, characters, story, is it worth buying, etc.

Destiny-Dev-Bungie-Talks-the-Future-of-Destiny-and-Cooperative-Multiplayer-456872-2

This is part two of four parts to my analysis of Bungie’s Destiny.

Check out Part 1, where I look at visuals, level design, enemy design, etc.; Part 3: I spend my entire blogpost discussing how things have been named in Destiny; and Part 4: where I predict the future of Destiny’s story based on evidence that Destiny is a symbolic retelling of the story from Bungie’s Pathways into Darkness, but from the point of view of the monsters.

BOSS BATTLE DESIGN (analysis in the form of a haiku):

Big guy, lots of health,
stands still, and minions respawn.
Over and over.

CHARACTER CREATION (analysis in the form of a limerick):

You choose how you look in the game,
Don’t matter if it’s cool or it’s lame,
Ex or Awoken,
And the humans are token,
In the end, they play just the same.

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The Contrasting Diaries of JC Denton and Señor Guns

deus ex stun prod

I originally wrote this when the new Deus Ex came out and I replayed the original. I wrote it to point out how unbalanced the different builds paths happened to be in Dues Ex.

Some people complained that in the new game, if you focused on non-lethal skills that this would sabotage other parts of the game like certain boss battles. What I wanted to point out was that this was still true in the original game, and that the unbalance between tech paths was, in some cases, even worse in the original game.

I wanted to do more work on it before posting it, but oh well.

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The story in Half-life 2 isn’t that great either

mad breen

So, I’ve always been annoyed by some terrible aspects of Half-life 2’s story. I’ve already talked about Half-life 1’s being pretty silly, and how I don’t think Alyx Vance is a strong female character, so here we go again.

Are there people who claim that HL2 has a well written story? I don’t know, but here’s why they’re wrong if they exist.

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